


Savior Complex

by shallow_seas_we_sail



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: ALL ABOARD THE ANGST TRAIN, Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Kara's POV, PTSD, Slow Burn, So much angst, SuperCorp, This Was Supposed To Be A One Shot, but it is turning into way more than that, cause girl has been through it, cw canon, dark(ish) kara, dcu canon, it will get better guys, just give it time, maybe more like emo!kara, sucidial ideation (briefly mentioned)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:01:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26885554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shallow_seas_we_sail/pseuds/shallow_seas_we_sail
Summary: Kara is quiet for a moment and looks down, suddenly interested in the fancy hardwood floor and runs the tip of her red boot along a grain. She can’t look Lena in the eye, but she hears the sigh from across the room, and the clinking of ice in her glass.This is okay. You’re going to be okay. It’s Lena, she's warm and safe and..-“Do you know where Kara begins and Supergirl ends?”A car somewhere on the other side of the city hits its brakes, and the rubberyscreechof tires causes Kara to look up at Lena. She knits her brow, and shakes her head, trying to dislodge the intruding sound and process what Lena is asking. This is far outside of what she was expecting; a talk about hurt feelings and all the ugly mechanics of it, but this, this is confrontational.“What?”“Do you even know who you are? Does anyone? Or is this,” Lena waves her free hand up and down in the space between them, “just another lie too?” she says, finishing the last sip of her drink as she walks forward.[Or Kara walks into a disaster of her own design, and deals with a fallout that drudges up much more than just her lies to Lena]
Relationships: Alex Danvers & Kara Danvers, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 93
Kudos: 347





	1. The Broken Heart of a Traitor

**Author's Note:**

  * For [siDEADde](https://archiveofourown.org/users/siDEADde/gifts).



> feel sad along with me and listen to the the season one soundtrack from 'The Leftovers' while you read this. you will absolutely regret it. thanks for stopping by. also thanks to **sideadde** for being a patient and amazing beta (while dragging me through the mud _constructively_ ) and also being the cause for me even being here. this takes place after s5e1. liberties taken from here on out

Kara raps her knuckles against the window on Lena’s balcony. She had been hovering in the darkness for some time before finally working up the nerve to land, to let Lena know she was even there. Kara knew that she had hid this from her friend for long enough, tucking it away in her own shadow, allowing her lies to collect dust there. Allowing that nagging feeling of guilt to crawl its way through her; more pronounced and making its presence more known each time Lena was near her. 

The harder she had tried to tamp it down, the greater the need became to say it, especially in quiet, shared moments between them. Like over morning coffee, or when they were tucked against each other on the couch, watching some ridiculous science documentary that Kara only ever halfway paid attention to. She was always more distracted by the way Lena’s arm wrapped around behind her and rested on the couch, fingers carding absently through her hair. Lena would gently massage her scalp and it always left Kara floating, dreamy and warm. It made her feel safe, like the words perched in the back of her throat could easily tumble out.

_I’m Supergirl._

Instead, she had blurted them out in the most unceremonious way possible. The idea of fleeing had crossed her mind more than once since she arrived, but Kara is here, and she knows this is something that they need to talk about. Lena’s speech has played over and over again in her head since the ceremony, the irony of the words not lost on her.

_The truth isn’t easy. It’s certainly not for the faint of heart. But it is something that Kara, as a journalist, has pursued relentlessly every day. And because she’s so good at it, she makes it look easy. We sometimes forget that she’s just like us. But forging a path to the truth isn’t a piece of cake. It’s more like climbing a mountain. It’s arduous and painful at times, and just like us, Kara can sometimes slip._

And sure, Kara had slipped, but Lena is her best friend. Lena would hear her out and they would talk about this. Yeah, she hadn’t told her in the most dignified way, but she’s here now and there is nothing left to hide or white lies to make up on the fly.

_Like you flew here on a bus. Idiot._

Kara can see Lena sitting at the island in her kitchen sipping some undoubtedly expensive scotch. ‘ _Everything is normal,’_ she tells herself, ‘ _you just flew across the city and she didn’t even know you could do that a few hours ago. So. Totally. Normal.’_ Kara rolls her eyes.

Lena raises her glass, and tips it in her direction, an invitation to come in. Kara slides open the glass door and slips inside, “Hey.”

Lena turns on the bar stool and licks her lips, “Hi.”

An awkward silence fills the space between them, and Kara wrings her hands together before stepping forward. She opens her mouth and then shuts it again quickly. Lena is looking at her, and Kara knows that any bravado or confidence she carried as Supergirl must have flown off her back on the way over here. A sudden wave of embarrassment crashes over her. She’s just a gaping idiot in Lena’s living room in a fancy spandex suit.

_You’re taking too long. Say something._

Kara swallows hard and finds her voice, “Lena, I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you were there tonight that, that you’re even willing to talk to me at all.”

Lena stands and walks towards Kara, her expression guarded and inscrutable. It isn’t something Kara has seen directed at her, and she feels the flutters of a mild panic take off in her chest. It gives her the distinct feeling of being watched. Observed, like those little butterflies at the atrium Alex took her to when they were kids. Flittering and bumbling all over with some sort of grace that Kara had only wished she had had then, and maybe even now.

“Thank you for telling me the truth, but Kara, things can’t be like they were before. Do you understand? There can be no more secrets between us. I have to be in on everything.”

Kara nods, “And you will be,” she says sincerely. She hopes the words land in a soft spot of Lena’s heart, “I’m sorry, Lena. It was never my intention to hurt you, or keep this from you for so long -..”

“It may have never been your intention, but it was certainly the end result.” Lena replies.

Kara is quiet for a moment and looks down, suddenly interested in the fancy hardwood floor and runs the tip of her red boot along a grain. She can’t look Lena in the eye, but she hears the sigh from across the room, and the _clinking_ of ice in her glass.

_This is okay. You’re going to be okay. It’s Lena, she's warm and safe and..-_

“Do you know where Kara begins and Supergirl ends?”

A car somewhere on the other side of the city hits its brakes, and the rubbery _screech_ of tires causes Kara to look up at Lena. She knits her brow, and shakes her head, trying to dislodge the intruding sound and process what Lena is asking. This is far outside of what she was expecting; a talk about hurt feelings and all the ugly mechanics of it, but this, this is confrontational.

“What?” 

“Do you even know who you are? Does anyone? Or is this,” Lena waves her free hand up and down in the space between them, “just another lie too?” she says, finishing the last sip of her drink as she walks forward.

And wait, hasn’t Lena always seen Kara?

Kara who fumbles through most days, unsure of herself. Her nervous idiosyncrasies, like fiddling with her glasses, or the way she needs to keep her hands busy. Or how her eyes always find a way to Lena’s mouth when she laughs or bites her lip when she’s deep in thought.

_Oh no_

The thought is a collision, setting off something cataclysmic inside of her. The way distant stars burn bright, burn out and collapse. It sits white hot and dense in the pit of her stomach.

What if Lena has never seen her at all? 

The sudden realization sears itself into the back of her mind. It trips up the heart she wears on her sleeve, and pushes on the only tender muscle in her. If a suit makes her Supergirl, then does she wear another as Kara? She winces as the words hit her. No, this is light years outside the realm of what Kara was expecting. Not an argument, and certainly not an identity crisis. She can hear the sound of a door closing in a building nearby and she steadies herself.

_Take a breath. Focus._

“No, of course not. I’m still the same. I-..” Kara’s mouth suddenly feels dry and she licks her lips, trying to find the words to make all of this right.

“That’s not fair.” she finally settles on.

“What’s not fair is all of this,” Lena retorts coldly. She turns on her heels and walks back to the kitchen, pouring herself another glass of amber liquid, “you were my best friend.”

Kara stands still in the living room, an icy sense of dread creeping up her back and settling on her neck.

_Were?_

“You said that I was still your friend, that we were fine. I thought-..”

“I know what I said,” Lena snaps back from the kitchen.

Kara swallows hard, she knows she needs to deflect, “Maybe we should talk about this later when you’re not -..”

“When I’m not what?” Lena asks as she turns the corner back into the living room, noticeably swaying.

“You’re drunk.”

“You’re a liar.”

Kara is shocked by the nonchalant statement. Like this is a fact, and always has been. It hits and folds in her chest, weighing heavily there.

“I am so sorry. I wanted to tell you, been wanting to tell you. It’s been eating away at me...” Kara wrings her hands together, hoping to tame her nerves.

“You’re repeating yourself, darling.” Lena says with a patronizing coldness usually reserved for boardrooms and the menial men in them-- not towards Kara, _never_ towards Kara. It takes whatever walls she’s erected and levels them.

And Kara knows she is rambling now, but she needs to correct this course before it gets too out of hand, “It went on so long that I didn’t know what to do. I was making excuses and I was -”

“A coward.” Lena says, cutting her off. It slices through Kara like something dreadfully sharp, leaving her with the sensation of something caught between her ribs. Obstructing the beat of the delicate muscle behind it and causes that push on her heart to bruise.

Kara turns slightly, recoiling, “Lena, I know you’re mad, but-..”

“But what,” Lena takes a step forward, glassy eyes flitting over Kara, rendering her vulnerable, exposed, “I’m mad?” Lena laughs mirthlessly, “No. I’m not mad. Anger I could deal with, but this?-..” 

Lena brings the tumblr in her hands to her lips, a bubble of incredulous laughter gets lost, drowning in the glass, “this is,-” Lena mumbles as she shakes her head, taking a long pull of the liquid inside.

 _‘Heartbreak’,_ Kara finishes and the word tumbles around emptily in her head.

“You’re a coward, Kara. Supergirl. Whoever,” Lena says flipping her hand dismissively, “you couldn’t do one decent thing. The right thing. I never lied to you. I never hid a thing from you. And you led me on and on and on, and god, I should have seen it. You’re a terrible liar,” Lena laughs like something wounded, “or perhaps just terrible.”

The words dig into something buried deep inside of Kara, making a home there. Something insidious like a cancer. She is trying to step back, to dodge what Lena is saying, but each barb lands and stings. Tears begin to prick up in her eyes and she feels unsteady. Another step back and the floor feels like it shifts beneath her. She is on her knees, folding in on herself, arms wrapping tightly around her body like maybe, maybe if she holds hard enough, she won’t fall apart.

“Please let me fix this. I’m so sorry. Please.” Kara can taste salt now, tears rolling freely down her face and when she glances up, the look that passes over Lena's face is nearly jovial. Kara tightens her arms. She is crumbling, and Lena is looking down at her, hurt and angry, flushed and heartbroken, yet still somehow reducing Kara to ash at her feet.

Lena steps forward, "Some think of you akin to a God, but look at you," she says, incredulous and cold "it must be difficult to beg on your knees in that short skirt for something Supergirl can't fix.” 

“Then tell me what to do,” Kara chokes out, “what ca-..can I do?” Kara knows her voice is pathetic, but she needs to fix this. She needs to make this right. Whatever it takes she is willing to do; all the right words, pretty and perfect. She’ll bring the stars down so Lena can scream them out of the sky, and after she will weep beside her, kiss every broken part and scar so Lena knows that she is not alone. She will place each fragile piece of her porcelain heart back together. Lena can fill Kara’s days with ruin for as long as it takes, if that’s what she needs. 

Because _that’s_ who Supergirl is; selfless and martyrdom personified.

_And a coward._

Lena is in front of her now, and Kara shuffles forward on her knees, wrapping her arms around Lena’s waist, and presses her tear streaked face against Lena’s stomach. 

“Please.” she says, her words getting lost in the fabric of Lena’s shirt, _“please, please please.”_ She repeats the words like a mantra, a prayer to Rao or whatever God that will listen and grant her the forgiveness she is so desperate for.

So Lena will forgive her.

Kara feels Lena’s body shift, taking her in and allowing Kara to press her weight against her. A warm hand rests atop her head, and _Rao_ , it feels like absolution.

“I already told you, this isn’t something Supergirl can fix.” Lena says gently as she crouches down to meet Kara. The hand on her head moves, and a light touch of fingers trail down her temple and cheek, wiping away stray tears until they are under her chin and lifting Kara’s head up, up, up.

_Please, please, please._

And Lena’s green eyes flicker with something soft and sincere, replacing whatever hardness was set there before. The cry that escapes Kara is miserable and she searches Lena’s face for something, anything from before. Something to escape this moment in time; anything to make her feel safe and warm again, like back on her couch. Back to Lena’s fingers in her hair and some stupid documentary playing in the background because this, _this_ has all gone so, so wrong.

Lena smiles, leans in, and closes her eyes, her nose brushing against Kara’s, and _Rao_ , Kara can feel her heart being hoisted up from the hollow pit inside her chest.

_Salvation._

“What you can do..” and the words rush over Kara like a lazy wave, melting against her lips, oaky and sweet. 

She closes her eyes, “Tell me.” Her words like a whispered prayer.

“Leave.” Lena says sweetly, slowly, her lips ghosting over Kara’s.

Kara’s eyes open slowly, still in a daze and lightheaded from Lena’s lips nearly on her own. Then, reality leaves a crater in her chest, cavernous and raw behind the symbol that is supposed to protect it. She can feel the air rush from her lungs and she is collapsing in on herself. _No. No, no, no. That isn’t right._

“What?” her voice sounds far away, the growing sound of every distant thing coming in and careening inside her head like some morbid wreck. Like when she crashed here, when everything was so new and forgien and loud.

“Get out.” Lena says again. 

She straightens up, and Kara can feel her slipping through her fingers like water as Lena steps away. Part of her wonders if that’s how she’s always held Lena, and if it was only a matter of time before this happened.

Louder now. Everything is amplified in her shock. Wheels against asphalt, turbines of planes flying over head, the casual conversation happening all around her, the _clink clink clink_ of ice in Lena’s glass. Years of meticulous self control is collapsing around her in seconds and Kara’s option, the only rational one she can muster, is to flee. Run like she should have in the beginning when she hid safely in the shadows, like the coward Lena knows she is.

Those two words, monstrous and echoing in her ears and that white hot feeling in her stomach taking root, like a part of her.

Kara falls back and scrambles to her feet towards the balcony door, out and up. Up until the city is just a pinpoint of light. Up until her tears begin to ice over and tighten against her cheeks. Up until everything is just a dull echo. Up until she is close enough that she could touch the cold expanse of space. Up until she remembers in some distant time that she knows the center of this solar system smells like ethyl formate. Sweet like the expensive rum Lena drinks in the summer.

_Raspberries._

Kara doesn’t know if she has been breathing at all since she flew out of Lena’s, because the ache in her chest has taken up a space that she has never felt before. She takes in a deep breath, trying to center herself, trying to find the hint of the something sweet way up here in the subtle curve of the horizon, like the warm breeze that lifts up through Lena’s hair in the summer and mixes with that stupid, expensive rum. 

But the only thing that fills her lungs is the faint acrid smell of sulfur and the metallic, dull taste of gunpowder.

_Just terrible._


	2. Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you again to **sideadde** for her excellent beta'ing. also please note the rating change. it will be 'M' going forward.

_ Kara doesn't know how long she has been here, floating lazily on her back, hands tucked behind her head. Only that she can see the first rays of the sun that stretched over the horizon. She felt the weight from her cape pulling down from her shoulders, and the wet droplets of condensation left over from the wisps of clouds that passed over her, replacing whatever tears she had cried. _

_ She was tired. It was an exhaustion that had seeped down into her bones and settled there. Perhaps because she has made the decision to outrun the sun. _

_ Or because she bled her night dry with tears. _

_ She wanted to be home in her bed. At least there she could be warm and miserable and hidden away from the world instead of wading up here through the clouds like she has been. _

_ The sky over the city has only started to change. Midnight blue has pulled away from the horizon, and the broad strokes of purple and red have begun to melt into the skyline. Kara turned, and rolled deep, falling back to earth.  _

_ She took the familiar route back to Lena’s. She should be going home, but instead Kara effortlessly swept around buildings propelled by muscle memory, and she doesn’t stop herself.  _

_ She doesn’t want to. _

_ Lena’s pull is gravity and Kara is caught, spinning madly in her event horizon. Feet landing on the balcony she could see the door was still open, and Lena was asleep on her couch, knees tucked up to her chest, small and cold. Kara could see the desperate way she held onto herself, arms wrapped tightly around her chest. She could see the trails left behind from her tears, how they had created long winding roads through her makeup, like a map to her heartache. _

_ Kara stepped in and her sad eyes stayed on Lena’s sleeping form. She wanted to wrap her arms around her, pull her close and keep her warm. _

_ ‘You did this,’ The words embed and bury deep into the back of Kara’s mind, twisting like a knife there, a reminder of her own blindness and the pain she caused Lena because of it. _

_ With infinite tenderness, Kara lifted Lena from the couch, carrying her back to the bedroom. Lena stirred only enough to tuck her head beneath Kara’s chin and let out a sleepy sigh. It caused Kara’s heart to flip and she stopped, hovering in the threshold. Lena’s hand moved from where it rested against her chest and pressed into Kara’s. She closed her eyes tightly and felt the tremble in her lip, and willed herself to move. _

_ Kara brought Lena gently down onto the bed, pulled the blankets up and knelt beside her, fingers ghosting over dark, errant strands of hair. _

_ Her tears were back, and for a moment everything was quiet. Parts of her self-control slid back into place and she closed her eyes, muting any outside intrusions. She heard the low wirrrr of Lena’s coffee press kick on, her shallow breaths, and how she shifted against the blanket over her.  _

_ She heard her heartbeat, and Kara focused on its steady rhythm until it was the only thing she could hear. _

_ The only thing she wanted to hear.  _

_ She leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to Lena’s temple, tears getting lost in obsidian hair. _

_ “I’m sorry.” she murmured. _

_ Her name slipped past Lena’s lips, thick with sleep, “Kara?” _

_ Kara froze, rooted in place. She could make out the worried lines that etched themselves into Lena’s expression as she struggled against her exhaustion, but her eyes remained closed. _

_ “Stay.” _

_ Kara pressed another kiss against Lena’s hair, “You know I can’t.” she whispered _

_ Lena let out a disappointed sound and rolled over. _

_ “Please.” _

_ But Kara was gone. _

xx

Kara opens one eye and peeks her head up from under the covers of her bed. She can see the slivers of light creeping around the edges of her curtains. She doesn’t know what time it is, and she doesn’t care. The stream of light hitting her is a reminder of a warmth she doesn’t want. 

Or deserve.

Mornings burn a little less brighter now. Any courage she tries to gather falls away from her; when she calls Lena, she hangs up before it rings, she writes, erases, and rewrites texts that she never sends. And there is no excuse for what she has done, only that acceptance that she had lied. The consequences wash over her like rain, and she knows whatever apology had poured out of her wasn’t enough for Lena. 

_ Just excuses. _

She pulls the blankets back up over her head and sticks her arm out, absently searching for her phone. She needs to tell James she’s not coming into today.

She needs to tell Alex... well, a lot, but mostly that she won’t be coming in, either.

She pulls her hand back in and swipes across her phone’s screen, and taps out her texts.

_ ‘Taking a personal day.’ _

James replies with a thumbs up emoji and a ‘ _ gotcha’ _

Alex tells her ‘ _ Supergirl doesn’t take personal days.’ _

_ ‘Yeah well, Kara does.’  _ She replies, and tosses her phone outside of the blankets. It vibrates as it slides across the floor.

She doesn’t care. National City isn’t crumbling, and Alex can take care of it for a day.

xx

Except it’s been four days.

Kara hasn’t seen the sun or anything beyond the delivery guy’s face in her hallway. Her phone has been dead for the last two of those days, and now she isn’t sure where it is under the heaps of chaos in her room. She just knows that it has stopped ringing.

She doesn’t care.

She spends her time moving like a ghost through her loft; feet barely touching the floor. She can’t gather the energy to do much more even if she tried. The sun hasn’t graced her skin in days, and the warm, robust energy that usually moves like a current under her skin barely registers..

_ “I’m sorry, Lena. It was never my intention to hurt you, or keep this from you for so long -..” _

She is alive out of habit at this point. The silence leaves her only with her whispered thoughts, and a heaviness inside of her that she can only suspect is her broken heart. 

She had called Alex late after the ceremony. Kara hadn’t said much, only that her and Lena had talked, and Alex hadn’t pushed for more. Just offered the assurance that she would be there when Kara was ready to talk.

Now she can hear Alex, pounding on her door and yelling her name. Something about she’s kicking it off the hinges if she doesn’t answer.

“Kara, if you don’t open this goddamn door I’m calling the SWAT team up here.”

Kara rolls her eyes and she pushes herself off the couch. Alex has started a countdown from the other side in the hallway.

“That’s a waste of my tax dollars, and you know it.” Kara quips as she walks toward the door.

“Six! Five! Fou-.” 

Kara opens the door and Alex is standing there, fist raised mid-pound.

“‘Bout fucking time,” Alex growls and Kara can already feel the beginnings of a headache behind her eyes, “you haven’t been answering your phone. The city could be on fire.” 

Alex walks in, shoulder checking Kara as she pushes through the door.

Kara squints intently at the wall behind where her sister is standing. She can barely make out the buildings on the other side, but they are intact.

“It’s not.” she says, standing in front of the couch, arms akimbo. She glances down for a moment and lets out a sigh of annoyance. Some of it directed at Alex, but mostly at herself and drops her arms limply to her side.

Alex walks over to a curtain, dips her finger behind it, and pulls it aside, “Hm, lucky for you.”

Light filters into the space of the living room and Kara sidesteps to avoid it. Alex doesn’t notice, and she flips her wrist back from the curtain, bringing her hands together in a clap

“So! Are you planning on coming back to work, or..” Alex trails off. She is looking at Kara expectantly, and  _ Rao, she’s annoying. _

Kara presses a finger into the space between her brow and closes her eyes for a moment, her brows creasing, “I’m really not in the mood for this.”

“Well, I need you to be,” Alex says walking through the living room. She flips over the lid of an empty take out box on the table and makes a face, “The DEO has intercepted some chatter about incoming hostiles. We don’t have much information on them besides they are big, mean sonsofbitches. How do you feel about some reconnaissance?” 

“I’m taking a personal day.” Kara says, stepping forward quickly and gathering the empty containers from the table and walking into the kitchen.

“You said that four days ago.”

Kara lifts the lid of the trash can, dropping the containers inside, “Then I’ve taken four personal days.”

Alex huffs with annoyance, and sits back on the couch. She tilts her head and her eyes narrow. Kara can feel herself being studied as she walks back into the living room. Alex’s gaze never leaves her even as she flops down beside her on the couch.

“What?”

“You tell me.”

Kara worries her bottom lip between her teeth and leans back, head craning over the back of the couch, “Quit it.” she says, her eyes rise to the ceiling while Alex’s stay on her.

“Go away.” Kara whines, grabbing a throw pillow arcing it over her body, smacking Alex in the chest.

“Is this about what happened with Lena the other night?” Alex snorts, grabbling the pillow away.

Kara answers with silence.

“Did you tell her?” Alex probes gently.

Kara turns her head, and looks at her sister, “Yeah.”

Alex nods slowly, taking in the information, “You told her that-..”

“..I’m Supergirl, yeah.” Kara rushes to cut her off. She knows there is more than one answer to this question. Alex does too. But Kara couldn’t bring herself to say those three words, so instead she chose two, and now she isn’t sure if the alternative would have made any difference.

“And how did that go?”

“Great, she said we’re fine. Still best friends.” Kara stands up from the couch. Anxiety tightens in her chest, and she needs to move away from this conversation. 

_ Has she always been able to lie this well? _

“What is this undercover thing?” Kara says, absently tugging at one of her fingers, suddenly self conscious. 

_ Rao, Alex isn’t stupid. _

If her sister knows, she doesn’t push, and Kara is thankful for the skeptical look she gets instead. Alex leans forward, elbows propping her up on her thighs and steeples her fingers under her chin, “Al’s.”

Kara scoffs, “That isn’t reconnaissance. That’s just another Tuesday.

Alex scrunches her face and gives Kara a sarcastic smile, “Maybe to you and me, but whoever these aliens are, they aren’t regulars. They’ll stick out.”

Kara rolls her shoulders trying to release the tension that has gathered there since Alex arrived. She doesn’t want to go to the bar. She doesn’t want Alex in her space. She wants to stay a ghost for a little while longer, floating and forgotten in the rafters of her loft. 

“Come on, just observe and report. I’m buying. ” Alex offers sweetly.

Kara shakes her head, “No.” she says with a sad smile.

Alex tilts her head, her eyes narrowing at Kara again, “Should I be worried?” 

Kara isn’t sure how to respond, so she looks down to her slippers instead. She just knows that she wants to stay here, scattered and broken. 

Consumed by the ghost of Lena’s kiss, wondering if she tasted the hollow untruths brushed across her lips.

xx

Kara's eyes snap open and she can feel a surge of adrenaline coursing through her. The kind that accompanies the icy sense of danger when she picks up its sound.

_ Gravel. Shoes against pavement. Elevated heart rate.  _

_ Alex. _

She is out the window of her fire escape, her body thrumming with nervous energy. Kara is flying low, her powers won’t allow for much more; but she focuses it, and feels her muscles twitch and adjust, giving her enough lift and speed to make it to Alex.

She lands in the alleyway behind the bar, and finds Alex with a thick arm around her throat. Her eyes are fluttering into the back of her skull. Kara can hear the wet choked breath her sister tries to take in before she slips unconscious. 

“Let her go.” Kara grits through her teeth. It is not a warning.

And yeah, Alex was right, this alien stands out. He is plated with large heavy body armor. It juts out from his shoulders and down his arms, and Kara assumes it is some sort of hybrid. Arachnoid perhaps, like a scorpion. Something pokes at an exposed, raw part of Kara; she wants a fight. 

“Happily.” the alien says, and pushes Alex to the ground. She skids across the alley and collides with the wall.

Kara moves with a burst of energy and sends her shoulder hard into the arachnoid's chest, sending him through the air and into the side of a dumpster. She rushes to Alex’s side and pulls her sister to her feet. 

_ Alex is breathing.  _

_ Alex is conscious _ .

“Oh,” Alex says gruffly as she stands, “now I’m pissed.”

“What happened to observe and report?” Kara asks, looking over her sister for injuries

“Hostile decided to engage.” Alex says, running a hand down the column of her throat.

Kara cocks her head in the direction of the dumpster, “So let's engage.” she says with a smirk. 

And Kara can’t deny the sense of pride that wells in her chest when her sister takes up arms beside her. Kara flexes her hands before curling them tightly into fists. Alex gives her a final glance and a subtle nod before they both surge forward. Kara flanks one side of the arachnid while Alex takes the other side. Alex lands a swift kick to the alien’s midsection, causing him to hunch over while Kara brings her fist up into a hard uppercut. A bolt of pain runs up Kara’s arm and she winces.

The arachnoid stumbles back, and falls to one knee. Alex picks up a discarded piece of rebar from the trash, and swings it at the alien’s head. An armored hand catches and wrenches the rebar free from Alex’s hand, and brings it around quick and low, connecting with the back of Alex’s knee, causing her to collapse to the ground.

Kara wraps her hands around the heavily plated forearm and rears back, but the arachnid doesn’t move. He stands and shrugs Kara offand brings the rebar around, connecting with the side of her head. Kara’s ears ring and her vision is blurry. She stumbles back and braces against the alley wall only to be met with another punishing blow to her chest. It forces the air from her lungs and sends her crashing to her knees. She feels a strong hand around her throat. Her feet leave the ground and she slams into the wall behind her. Her head snaps back by the force of the punch colliding in her face, and the coppery taste of blood rolls around in her mouth. 

Another punch connects, and then another and another. Kara wraps her hands around the arachnids wrist, and pulls desperately. Blood seeps in between her teeth, and another hit sends her head back into the wall, leaving a small crater in its place. Kara brings her knees up and kicks her legs out. It is enough to send the alien careening back, and leaving him to catch his breath. Kara lands on her feet, cocking her arms out into a  _ one, two  _ punch before bringing her hands up into tight fists. Alex is back on her feet, and runs up behind the arachnid. She wraps her forearm around his thick neck and squeezes. Kara’s first punch lands on the alien’s jaw, and a spray of dark blood spreads out across the ground. He reaches a hand over his shoulder, grabbing Alex by the hair, and flips her over in front of him. Kara unleashes another punch, but her fist is caught in the alien’s hand. He squeezes, and the pain arcs through her. She knows her powers are nearly extinguished. He stands and twists Kara’s arm, sending her down to one knee. When Kara tilts her head up, a hard punch lands against her temple, and something shifts inside of her.

_ Anger.  _

Another hit, and she can feel the warm trickle of blood down her face.

_ Rage. _

Another hit, and it sends her head to the side. Another hit, and another, and Kara can feel that hot coil in her spread, breaking open from the tomb behind her ribs, pouring into every valley inside of her. The hammering pain in her body is an afterthought, and when she looks up to the arachnoid again, her smile is possessed, angry with blood stained teeth. 

Feral.

Another hit to the side of her face, and Kara is standing. Another, and she feels the shift in her jaw. Amusement mixes with the blood in the back of her throat, and escapes in a wet, strangled laugh. 

Each blow is incidental, it can’t match the pain she inflicted on her own heart. Another hit, and she feels relief. Another, her vision tunnels and nothing hurts, not anymore.

_ This is fine. _

Another hit, and Kara hears her name, she can see Alex running towards her. It is enough to bring her back from tumbling into the abyss, and her expression fixes on the alien in front of her. She can feel the warm surge of her dwindling energy pulse behind her eyes. Kara screams, propelling whatever she has left into the searing beam. The arachnoid flies back, his back colliding with the brick wall behind him. A spot in his chest glows with dying embers.

“Kara!” 

Her vision shifts, and she falls forward, the ground beneath her rising to swallow her up. But the only contact Kara makes is with her sister as Alex catches and lowers her down into her lap.

“Oh shit. Kar-.. Kara.” Alex says, panic quakes in her voice. Her hands tremble as she ghosts them over Kara’s form taking inventory of her injuries.

“I’m fine.” Kara mumbles. She moves to sit up and a hiss of pain escapes her. She looks over her shoulder at Alex’s wide, scared eyes.

“You’re bleeding. Why are you bleeding? God, wa-.. was there kryptonite on him? Are you okay?” Alex combs her fingers through her hair, “We gotta get you to headquarters, ge-..get you under-...”

“I said I’m fine!”

“Like hell you are, c’mere,” Alex brings her hand to Kara’s brow and Kara quickly slaps it out of her face. Alex recoils and Kara can feel her sister's eyes bore into her.

“Kara, what the  _ fuck _ is going on?” She snaps.

Kara pushes up on her hands and knees until she is standing. She tilts her head back and looks up to the sky, pushing her tongue into the cut on her lip.

_Stupid and reckless._ _Now you can’t fly away. It’s like you wanted to be caught._

Kara pushes the thought aside, and turns on her heels to face her sister. She shakes her head, “It doesn’t matter, Alex.”

Confusion flickers across Alex’s features, and she steps forward, her expression turning over into concern, “Come on, at least let me help you clean up.”

“No. Jus-.. just leave. Leave it alone.” Kara says, swallowing hard.

“Why won’t you let me help you?” Alex asks

“Because I don’t want it!” Kara shouts.

_ Because if three words could heal this, you’d only deserve two. _ Kara reminds herself bitterly.

“Just let me have this.” Kara can feel anger prick at the back of her neck and she clenches her jaw, trying to hold back the dam breaking inside her.

“Kara,” Alex says softly as she reaches out, her hand hovering over Kara’s shoulder, “you can-..”

Kara can feel her anger split inside of her and erupt, “STOP!”

Her hands are on Alex’s shoulders, bunching up the fabric of her shirt into her fists. Kara needs an anchor, something steadfast while she falls apart. Her chest heaves as she tries to take in lungful's of air.

“I lied. To you. To Lena. To myself. We aren’t fine, Alex. We are-.. I was wr-wrong. We’re...” The words get caught in the back of Kara’s throat, suspended in between a breath. 

_ Broken. _

“After the ceremony-..be-before I called you., I went to see Lena, and-..I-I don’t know what I was expecting honestly,” Kara says, bringing her hands up and burying her face in them, “she was so mad. And I apologized and begged her to forgive me-..bu-..but she told me to leave, so I did. And now, I don’t know what to do. Whatever connected us, whatever held us together, it’s gone,” Kara says, sweeping an arm out, “I’ve destroyed-..it.

_ Us. _

Alex tilts her head to the side, giving Kara a sympathetic look, “You couldn’t have known.”

“But I did know. I should have just done it. It’s not like you were any help.” Kara snaps back at her sister. She hates Lillian and her forked tongue that told the truth for once. 

And Alex is unwavering and resilient. She is an anchor. She can weather Kara’s storm. 

“I wanted to tell her. For years, Alex. But you wouldn’t let me. The DEO wouldn’t let me. So I let it go on. I lied and gaslit and for what? Too many people telling me too many things, and who is Supergirl if she’s not taking orders from the DEO?”

Alex's expression turns stoic, “Lena had to be vetted, you know there are procedures we have to abide by. I know you wanted-...”

“But that’s what it is, isn’t it? It’s never about what  _ I  _ want. _ I _ could have told her, Alex.  _ I _ could have avoided all of this if you just..,” Kara clenches her fist, and she can feel the dig of her nails in her palm. “This never would have happened if you had just let me do what I  _ wanted _ to do.”

Everything tastes bitter, and she lets out a wounded laugh.

“I wanted to tell her I loved her, and now I’ve lost that.” Kara can feel the anger in her flicker behind her eyes, and see its dying red glow reflect back at her in the dark pools of Alex’s.

Kara stalks forward, her finger jutting into her sisters chest, “This is on  _ you _ .”

She can see the muscles in Alex’s jaw clench, “Don’t project your shit on me,” she pushes back, “tread lightly.”

Alex will weather her storm.

_ “ _ Do you know how exhausting it is to give, and give, and  _ give _ ? To go home every night alone, and no one knows, because no one is safe near me. Ever. Everyone wants something; something from Kara. Something from Supergirl. The next big story. The next fight. You’ve seen everything after the heroics, after the cameras and crowds are gone. You’ve seen what is left. And when it's over, what do I have, Alex?”

Alex shifts on her feet uncomfortably.

“You know what I mean.” Kara says solemnly, brushing the pad of her thumb across her bloodied lip. She studies the substance for a moment, and then rubs it away between her fingers.

_ Away like a memory. _

_ Away like everything. _

“I have lifted cars, and beams,” Kara lets out a sad, weak laugh, “all my strength to fight and then collect the dead in all of  _ my _ collateral damage. I take that on,” Kara says resolutely, turning towards Alex, “that’s on me.” 

Kara closes her eyes, and her bottom lips wavers. She can remember the small, cold bodies she wrapped in her cape, trying to give them whatever warmth they didn’t have in their last moments.

She’s heard mothers cry out for their lost children as she hovered just above the clouds. She’s heard her name cursed as the dirt hits the top of lowered caskets. 

On those days, Kara’s tears run so long she is used to the taste.

Kara runs a hand through her hair. The sticky feeling of dried blood gets caught between her fingers, “What am I ever going to have? A life of my own? Someone to share it with? Or will it always be this?” Kara says, looking down at her stained hands. 

Alex will weather the storm.

_ You are the storm. _

She wants to tell Alex that she will be here, long after her and Kelly and Lena and everyone she loves is gone. That she will be alone. But she can see the worry in her sister’s eyes and how her stoic mask is ready to slip.

Kara wants a lot of things.

But she lets it go, like she always does.

Alex clears her throat and takes a step back, clasping her hands together, “I’m gonna call to get containment out here.”

“Oh yeah, of course.” Kara clasps her hands together quickly, and then throws her thumb over her shoulder, “I’m just gonna head home then.”

“Yeah, you look like shit. And hey,” Alex says closing the distance between them, and wrapping Kara in a gentle hug, “I’ll swing by after this is done, okay?”

Kara laughs through the pain that flares up in her ribs. It only hurts when she breathes. She takes a step back, flips her hoodie over her head, and turns on her heels, walking towards the street.

“And charge your fucking phone.” Alex yells out after her.

Kara gives a thumbs up over her shoulder as she turns the corner. She catches a glimpse of herself in a shop window, and then tucks her chin to her chest.

At least now she looks how she feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *insert everything hurts and I'm dying.gif*


	3. Curbside Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: some mild physical violence.
> 
> remember kids, hugs, not hits
> 
> thanks for everyone that has jumped aboard this angst train with me to sad town.

Kara has been ignoring the sound for the last ten minutes; the distinct  _ click click click  _ of heels that have been following behind her. She knows it is Lena before she reaches the stairs to her building. She hears her name and wonders which store window Lena saw her duck past on her walk home. Kara shoves her hands into her hoodie and keeps her head low.

_ ‘Three steps. Three steps. Three steps.’  _ her mind chants.

She can’t see Lena, not like this, but her name keeps falling out of that beautiful mouth, each time more desperate until she can hear Lena’s pace quicken and she is nearly beside her. Her hand is gripping Kara’s elbow, pulling her back from the first landing step, and she can’t stop the momentum sending her back to Lena.

She will always come back to Lena.

When she turns, Kara can see the dark wisps of hair blow around Lena’s face in the cool night air. She is beautiful; flushed cheeks and chest heaving. Kara could tell her she is a work of art right now, but she isn’t sure where to start, and even if she could, she isn’t sure she would be able to stop.

Kara doesn’t trust her cracked mouth not to betray her. 

She’s never been good with art beyond paper and pencils anyway. Lena is more than that; she is something to be admired and handled with infinite care.

And Kara isn’t sure if can appreciate Lena the way she deserves; she is deceptively complex and fragile, and Kara is nothing but bruised knuckles, hard edges, and bloodied lips.

Kara clenches the muscles in her jaw and takes a step back, clasping her hands together in her hoodie.  _ Don't touch. _

Lena takes a step forward and the street light must catch every damaged and broken angle of Kara, because Lena’s eyes widen at the sight of her.

“You’re hurt!” Lena rushes forward and reaches out.

“Don’t.” Kara says stiffly with a slight turn of her body, and Lena stops, her hand falling to her side.

In another time, Kara would have romanticized this;  _ this  _ something _ - _ more hanging in the air between them rather than this heavy, suffocating thing. Her and Lena here in front of her building. She could fall into her arms; pulled and tired and Lena would catch her, clean and bandage her wounds, take her to bed. 

Safe and protected and warm.

Lena, infinitely sweet and good and tender, running her fingers through Kara’s hair and ghosting her lips over every scar with whispered assurances that would lull Kara into the oblivion of sleep.

And it wouldn’t hurt, 

Not like this.

But Kara can’t have Lena here. 

She can’t have Lena in her space.

She can’t have Lena _._

_ Kara Danvers is too fragile, too human.  _ And Kara Zor-El is anything but.

She isn’t deserving of the grace of Lena’s touch. Everything is  _ wrong, wrong, wrong _ , and it shouldn’t be like this. Lena needs to get away, somewhere where she is safe; away from the impending disaster that Kara is edging closer to. Something unstable and unpredictable, like a bomb. It coils inside her, spreading like red kryptonite once had, but there are no red capillaries pulsating under her skin, just an anger that  _ tick, tick, ticks,  _ leaving her feeling raw and exposed.

It should be that warm  _ pull  _ instead.

“What happened?” Lena asks quietly.

Kara remembers Lena, drunk and angry in her living room with glassy eyes reducing Kara to ash.

_ You’re a liar. _

_ You’re a coward. _

Each word had burrowed and made a home in the tender muscle of her heart. The tip of Kara’s tongue pushes against the split in her lip, and it hurts to speak, “You.”

“Excuse me?”

Kara tilts her head up. Everything hurts, and that familiar ache in her chest is back.

“Why are you here, Lena?” Kara finally scoffs.

Lena worries her bottom lip between her teeth. “I saw you and-” she wrings her hands together, “I wanted to talk.”

“We did that already. You told me to leave.” Kara says curtly and looks over her shoulder to her apartment building, the sting of Lena’s words replaying over in her mind.

_ Get out. _

“I knew,” The words tumble out of Lena’s mouth and she keeps going, “that you were Supergirl. Lex told me. Well, showed me. I knew before the ceremony and-.. I was hurt and mad at Lex and you,” she lets go of a weak laugh. “Just so fucking mad.”

The revelation brings Kara’s attention to Lena, “What?” 

“I am so sorry.” Lena takes a step forward nearly pleading, eyes wide and worried with her hands clutched to her chest.

“I came to you. I asked you to forgive me, and you  _ knew? _ ” The words are bitter in Kara’s mouth, “And you just let m-..” Kara isn’t sure what she wants to say, but something makes a home beside her heart, heavy and cold, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” Lena counters, “but I understand why you didn’t. Being a Luthor and-..”

A bark of laughter escapes Kara.

“ _ God _ .” Her hands are pushing back the hood of her sweatshirt, combing through hair; all tangles and dried blood, eyes wide with disbelief, “You think I didn’t tell you because you are a  _ Luthor _ ? I didn’t tell you because I wanted to keep _ you  _ safe.” 

Her voice drops to nearly a whisper, desperate to keep this between them, “you have no idea what it means to share a secret identity with someone, how much danger that puts them in.” 

“I have no idea? I’m a  _ fucking _ Luthor. I’m practically a pariah,” Lena scoffs, “and that wasn’t your choice to make for me! I was never even given the choice, but you could have told me. I could have protected myself. I can-..” Lena sets her jaw and noticeably stiffens, “I could have protected _you_ , but you didn’t trust me!” 

“Of course I trust you.” Kara sighs.

“No, you don’t. I spelled it out for you over and over again, essentially begging you not to violate my trust, begging you not to prove that, once again, I was a fool.”

Kara closes her eyes for a moment and feels anger swell up inside her, and her hands drop, clenched at her sides. “You will never understand that I kept my identity from you because I wanted to  _ protect _ you. That’s all I ever wanted. And all you can do is focus on your name and your family. You can’t see beyond it. So why would _ you _ ever realize that maybe you’re just a selfish bitch,” Kara snaps looking back at Lena, “and you can’t blame being a Luthor for that _. _ ”

The slap across Kara’s face is cold and sobering, but not unexpected. The split in her lip reopens and that coppery taste is back, like a penny on her tongue. Kara closes her eyes and tries not to focus on the hot pain in her jaw, “I made one mistake that was only ever meant to protect you, and you can’t see beyond yourself.”

“Fuck you.” Lena sneers, dipping her head as if to spit the words at Kara’s feet.

“You’re a fool and I’m a coward.” Every word drips with contempt, and Kara doesn’t recognize her own voice anymore, but she doesn’t care, “Give Lena Luthor a good word and she will light up. She will put you on a pedestal, then look at what happens,” Kara steps back, arms outstretched, bloodied Christ redeemer and all, “you fall,” and she brings a finger up to her lip, grazing the wound there. “So yeah, maybe you’re a fool, and I’m just another one of your disappointments.”

Lena’s expression shifts to cold and stoic as she turns and begins to walk away, and Kara knows this Lena compartmentalizing and withdrawing; erecting walls that she has meticulously mortared through the years to protect herself with.

And the satisfaction with destroying something beautiful never comes for Kara, only the icy feeling of dread that curls up behind her ribs and beside her heart. She has started a collection of broken, sorrowful things there, and Kara hates it.

Then Lena laughs, sad and incredulous and turns on her heels, “God! Do you really believe what you just said? Tell me you do and I will walk away now. Whatever  _ this  _ is,” Lena gestures in the space between them, “can be done.”

Kara opens her mouth, but words fail her, because  _ of course _ she doesn’t believe it. She hesitates, and Lena calls her bluff, taking a step back towards Kara and throwing her hands up. 

“Unbelievable,” she runs her hands over her face, her eyes widening for a moment. “God, you really  _ are _ a terrible liar. Even when you try, you can’t.” Lena postures towards Kara, confrontational. 

“Tell me you mean it.” She says through her teeth.

“Say it.” A dare.

_ “ _ Say it!”  _ A risk. _

_ ‘I fucking love you and I can’t lose you.’  _

The words echo in Kara’s head, but she casts down her eyes and waves of shame crash over her. She just  _ hurts  _ and she wants Lena to hurt with her, anything to not feel alone in this because everything is just  _ so fucking _ broken.

Anything to feel connected.

And every part of Kara knows that it is wrong; the toxic spiral they have fallen into with each other; who can hurt the other more. But she doesn’t know how to pull herself out. She doesn’t know if she can save both herself and Lena from this.

She isn’t sure if there is anything left to save, and  _ Rao,  _ Kara just loves her so much.

“You really think you’re like everyone else? All those other people, my family that have belittled and hurt me? I’d be lying if I said I didn’t suspect that you were in the beginning. But the more I got to know you,” Lena wavers for a moment and then softens, “to love you, every angle I thought you had was just so sublimely guileless. You’ve never been anything more than genuine and honest.”

And Kara is intensely aware of how this word; _ love _ , continues to volley between them even now. How strongly she feels it and how it has ingrained itself onto every fiber of her being. She wants to pull it out of the heavy silence that has grown and settled around them and hold on to and protect it, because it is  _ still there. _ It may be tarnished and buried, burning a little less bright, but it is still there. It was there before Lena knew about Supergirl, keeping them politely on their sides of the line that word had drawn between them. It was an unspoken secret filling their quiet moments together and left Kara’s heart thrumming in her chest.

And she always listened in those moments, finely tuning to Lena, because her heart always did the same.

Lena’s feet move confidently in the space between them, and when she is close enough, Kara can feel the warmth radiating off her body.

Something familiar through all of that anger and disillusionment.

That heartache.

_ Hope. _

Lena’s next step is hesitant, and Kara can see how it retracts through her and tightens; pulling at every muscle and tendon, like impending flight, “You’ve always been you.”

_ Stay. _

“When I told you Supergirl couldn’t fix this. I meant it,” Lena’s eyes flit down to Kara’s lips, and she raises a tentative hand, “but I didn’t mean that Kara couldn’t.”

Kara catches her hand in a firm grip, and tries to ignore the low sound that catches in the back of Lena’s throat.

“What are you doing?” The words are only a staccato of breaths.

Lena steps forward and tugs gently, bringing their hands down, and intertwines their fingers. Her proximity is enough to turn Kara’s foundation of bedrock to sand, leaving her little to focus on other than Lena and to finally appreciate the work of art that she is. Kara can see the gentle strokes clearly; every intrinsic thing that makes up Lena in this moment; the dark circles under her eyes brushed over with concealer, the way her mouth pinches to the side as she studies Kara, and how her eyes are impossibly dark and evergreen, even in the dim street light. Kara vaguely wonders if this is how you see the forest through the trees, and her eyes stay on Lena’s as she speaks, quiet and cautiously.

“I’m not sure anymore."

Kara closes her eyes, trying to stop her tears, and swallows thickly. “I don’t know how to fix this.” She says finally, trying to push down the cry perched in the back of her throat. She desperately wants to focus to hear Lena’s heart, because sometimes, most times, those beats would become one in the same with her own, and Kara desperately misses it.

But all she can hear is the low howl of the wind as it passes down the street, and lifts through the trees.

Lena shakes her head gently, “Neither do I, but try.”

Kara can practically hear Lena’s walls crumble in with those words. She nods sadly, and when Lena’s hands move to cup her face, Kara’s cry tumbles out, weak and repentant. She brings her own hand up, pressing Lena’s firmly against her cheek then turns her head, placing a reverent kiss against her palm. And when Kara opens her eyes, Lena’s own are glassy with unshed tears and she gives a sad smile as she steps back. Her fingers trailing across the curve of Kara’s jaw, and she misses the warmth immediately when she is gone.

When Lena turns away again, Kara wants to call out for her. She wants to charge across whatever line they have ignored for years and take Lena into her arms, and kiss her, lips splitting with apologies instead of  _ whatever _ anger she keeps chasing. She wants to tell Lena she loves her, and to  _ please please please _ stay because she is coming apart with each day passing.

But Lena is gone, disappearing around the corner from her building, and Kara when looks up, she wishes for wings that worked.

She wants to reach the sky, because it would be so much easier than reaching Lena’s heart.

xxxx

Kara rolls her shoulders as the hot water streams over her tired muscles. She presses her palms into the cool tile of the shower wall and looks down, watching the fading crimson swirls circle the drain. She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth and closes her eyes.

The pain she feels grounds her, but she knows that soon it will be gone. Alex will come and drag her outside and every bruise and broken part and the reminders they carry will all disappear in the sun.

But she will still carry that sharp ache in her chest, and it won’t change that she will want to disappear, too.

Because she has no idea how to fix the miserable, broken thing that her and Lena have become. 

It won’t change that she will continue to hide in plain sight; writing for CatCo, protecting the city, and talking out both sides of her mouth. 

Or that she will continue ignoring the selfish pull to do something for herself for once because that’s not who Supergirl is.

But it’s what Kara wants.

Not that  _ that _ has ever fucking mattered.

Kara opens her eyes, and she isn’t sure if it is her tears that have gotten in the way or the water, but she isn’t ready to get out yet and face whatever disaster she is hurtling towards.

She wants just a little while longer. 

She can feel the cooling water roll over her body, and tilts her head back, letting the water mix with her tears until there is nothing warm left.


	4. What It Is To Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: sucidial ideation. it is a brief mention, but does not contain any detail. 
> 
> as it often happens, this chapter was going to go in a very different direction, but the writing gods decreed it not so. thank you **socks-lost** and **siDEADde** for reading through and be excellent sounding boards and infintely patient with me through this chapter.

Kara can feel the dip in the mattress when Alex sits on the foot of her bed, waking her from a twilight sleep. She opens a weary, bruised eye and looks at her sister.

“I brought breakfast.” Alex says with a soft smile, holding up a greasy white bag. She looks tired, and god only knows how long she was at the DEO before coming over. There is a sad tug on Kara’s heart for her sister as she rolls over in bed, and the sharp ache in her body immediately returns. She closes her eyes and lifts her hand, and lamely flexes it open and shut, mumbling a pained, _“Coffee.”_

Alex takes Kara’s hand in her own, giving a gentle tug, “In the kitchen. Come on.”

Kara groans as she sits up, and rubs her hand across the back of her neck, “What time is it?”

Flipping over her wrist, Alex checks the time as she pushes up and off the bed, “A little before five. The sun will be up soon.”

Swinging her legs over the edge of the bed, Kara pushes herself up slowly until she is level with her sister.

“You still look like shit.” Alex smirks, and pokes at a few errant strands of Kara’s bed head.

Kara grumbles in agreement and swats her sister’s hand away before taking a hesitant step forward, “I still feel like it.”

In the kitchen, Alex pours two mugs of coffee and pulls out a chair at the small island, taking a seat. Kara leans back against the counter beside the sink, and brings the coffee mug in both hands to the center of her chest, savoring its warmth. Alex rummages through the bag and pulls out two sandwiches; bacon, egg and cheese with a dash of hot sauce.

She pushes them across the counter towards Kara, “Eat.”

Kara gives her sister a small, sad smile. She’s thankful for the food, but more so that Alex still showed up after last night. She sets down her cup, and begins to unwrap one of sandwiches and looks up to her sister, “I’m sorry.”

Alex gives a small dismissive wave, “It’s fine.”

Kara shakes her head as she chews, “It’s not,” she says between bites, “I put all of my shit on you, and that wasn’t fair.”

Alex raises an eyebrow with an agreeing look and clasps her hands together on top of the counter, “So, then talk to me.”

And suddenly this moment feels vaguely familiar; Alex in her kitchen after Mon-El, trying to pull apart all the messy knots that love had left her in. The feeling doesn’t weigh down in her chest like it used to. It has been replaced by something thoroughly worse; an ever expanding abyss that Kara can’t seem to find her way out of, and it constricts in her chest in a way that it terrifies her. 

_“You’re not letting yourself feel anything. You’re just bottling it up inside, and you're making bad decisions, and I’m worried.” Alex huffs out exasperated, turning on her heels towards Kara._

_“If it were Maggie, what would you be doing? If the woman you are about to marry was gone forever, what would you be doing?” Kara asked pointendly taking a confrontational step towards her sister._

_“I..”_

_“You’d be at the bar, every night. You’d be a wreck at work. You’d be broken.” Kara said, defeated._

_“I would. I would be. And it’s okay if you are.”_

Kara sets down her sandwich and bites at the inside of her cheek; this is nothing like how she felt a few years ago. While she had loved Mon-El, he had filled the void left behind by her home. He was someone who understood what it meant to lose that part of yourself, and there was comfort in that. But he didn’t hold on to her heart in the way Lena does; the way she feels about Lena; how she _has_ felt about Lena. A love so big and encompassing, and now so wholly unobtainable it leaves her feeling hollow in a way that she has never felt since she watched Krypton die.

She realized over the span of her pitiful last few days that losing Lena was like losing a part of herself; how she lost her home and the people she loved there. How she lost her only familial connection with Kal, when instead of taking her in, he dropped her on the Danvers’ doorstep; scared and rejected. Leaving her to feel as though had been born of nowhere; dropped from the sky, the burning smell of ozone and thunderous, dark clouds the only reminder of her mother and a world that no longer existed.

“I feel broken,” Kara says sadly, running her finger along the edge of the counter, “like I am sweeping up all the pieces I left behind, and I don’t know how to fix it,” she shrugs, “I told Lena that last night.” At least now she can admit it; give the feeling words and not face it alone. The realization is just enough to restore some glimmer of pride to Kara.

Alex leans back in her chair and crosses her arms, “You saw her last night?”

Kara shifts her weight on her feet before picking up her cup and taking a sip, “It doesn’t matter.”

Alex hums her disagreement, and narrows her eyes at Kara, “It matters.”

Kara licks her lips and drops her head, “I called her a bitch,” she lets out a breath, and then thinks better of telling her sister that she got slapped for it.

“Oof,” Alex blows out, leaning forward, “ouch.”

“Yeah, well, like I said, it doesn’t matter.” Kara shrugs, absently running her the tip of her tongue across her cracked lip.

“What else?” Her sister asks, picking up her coffee mug.

“She told me she knew; that Lex had shown her before the ceremony,” Kara ignores the indignant look that moves across her sisters face, “and I told her the truth; that I didn’t tell her because I wanted to protect her. I wanted to keep her safe.”

Anger nests inside of her, like a fire waiting to spread. Kara takes in a steadying breath, and pushes down the feeling. 

_Fuck Lex._

Alex juts out her bottom lip and raises an questioning eyebrow as she brings the cup to her lips, “And that’s the only reason?”

Kara rolls her eyes and crosses her arms, “I trust her, I always have. Why is that still so hard for you to believe?”

Alex sets down her cup, and brings her hands together, “I know you trust her. But there was a time when you didn’t; with Sam and Reign-..”

Kara shakes her head, “That was different.”

“How, Kara? She manufactured fucking _kryptonite_. She accused you of having a God complex when you asked her to destroy the one thing that could kill you.”

“That’s not the point!” Kara bites back, “Why do you always do this? Lena is not her brother.”

“She lied to you about knowing you were Supergirl. She kept Sam in a sub basement at L-Corp and fucking experimented on her. Lena was leading her own double life. She’s not innocent in this.” Alex says flippantly. 

Kara throws her hands up, and blows out an exasperated breath, “So? I lied for years. In the grand scheme of things, that is low compared to what I’ve been doing to her. All Lena has ever wanted to do was good. She helped Sam. She got Reign out of her. She went to Juru with us. She has proven over and over again that she stays true to her word, that she is so much more and so much better, ” she says shaking her head, trying to loosen her frustration, “she isn’t Lex and I won’t treat her like a villain. Why can’t you do that?”

Alex tilts her head, giving Kara a sympathetic look, and raises her hands in faux surrender, “Look, you were damned either way, Kara. Your choice to conceal your identity; it wasn’t born out of a place of maliciousness. It was born out of love and compassion. And you were just trying to protect your family. And you were trying to protect Lena from people who could use that information to hurt us.”

“You’re right; it wa-.. _is_ from a place of love and that meant protecting Lena from people that may use it to hurt her,” Kara counters, “ _like Lex._ ”

Alex gives a shrug, indifference settling over her face, “Not anymore.”

The deep breath Kara takes staves off the anger rearing up inside her throat. Lex is dead; she watched him slip through her fingers, believing himself a martyr in his refusal to be saved, and had been reduced to ashes on the shore of Shelley Island. She snatches the sandwich off the counter and eats in silence, avoiding her sister’s gaze. She tosses the empty wrapper at Alex, who gives an indignant grunt when it hits her in the head.

“I don’t want to fight with you,” Kara relents, “I just...I just need you to have my back on this. I need my sister.. Not a load of cynicism from _Director Danvers_.”

“You’re right,” Alex says, giving a resolute nod, and repeats quietly, “you’re right.”

Comfortable silence falls between them, and Kara starts in on her second sandwich.

“You are someone that loves fiercely and without abandon,” Alex says, gathering the sandwich wrappers and walking over to the trash can “maybe to a fault.” Kara gives a sad laugh, and glances at her sister, “You are my favorite person, you always will be. And I want you to be happy, okay?” 

Kara pinches her mouth to the side in a sad smile and gives a small nod.

“So tell Lena.”

“Why?”

“Kara, look at me,” Alex says, walking towards her and takes Kara’s hands in her own, “because you need to say it as much as she needs to hear it,” Alex presses their hands to her own chest so Kara can feel the drumming of her sister’s steady heartbeat. 

Kara worries her bottom lip between her teeth. She is so tired of tasting her own tears.

“What if she doesn’t believe me?”

Alex tilts her head and gives Kara a look, “Of course she will,” she pauses for a moment, and looks curiously at Kara, “why do you do that?”

“What?”

“Stand in your own way?”

“No, It’s just-..” Kara hesitates for a moment before pulling her hands back and tugging at her finger absently, “I think at some point I could have, ya know? But now she knows an-..”

“And what? You two would have started dating _whenever_ ago and you never would have told her about you moonlighting as Supergirl?” Alex asks incredulously, “You’re not naive, even if you play the part well. Anyone with eyes can see the way she looks at you.”

Kara smiles, lovestruck and almost hopeful, and the fiery anger in her chest turns into an all encompassing warmth.

“Yeah,” Alex says, jutting her finger teasingly towards her, “that’s the look. You have never lacked the courage to love with an open heart.”

**xXx**

They have brought nearly every pillow and blanket from Kara’s loft up to the roof; designing a sort of makeshift couch to watch the sunrise together. 

Kara brings the blanket around her shoulders as Alex shuffles to sit down beside her, and tugs on the corner, “Share,” she says, scooting in closer to Kara, “how long has it been?” Alex asks quietly, pulling the blanket around her own shoulders.

Kara looks down to the coffee cup between her hands, and runs her thumb down the handle, “Five days, I think?”

Kara shifts, and rests her head against her sister’s shoulder and feels the disapproving sound that rumbles in the back of her throat, “I could fucking kill you,” Alex says bringing her cup to her lips, “but you seem pretty intent on beating me to it.”

Alex’s words tug at something deep inside of Kara, pulling back and exposing some darker existential truth about herself; something she had felt in that fight in the alley. She had been ready to just _let go_ until Alex ran towards her, screamed her name and brought her back from tumbling freely over that edge. She tries to shake the feeling, but it has already claimed its space; ruminating in the back of her mind.

“I never get tired of seeing it.” Kara breathes out, trying to focus on something, _anything_ other than the sharp voice in the back of her head telling her she is a product of self inflicted solitude, riddled with the shards of every lie she has told, every feeling she has pushed down and away. 

A solitude that has evolved into reckless self destruction and an anger that just _fucking burns_ through her, like a fever in her blood.

_You could have died._

“What?”

“The sunrise. A lot of things change, but not this,” Kara pokes a finger out between the blanket towards the purple sky, “this is the one constant.”

Alex hums in agreement, “There is always another day,” she says, pressing her cheek against the top of Kara’s head and that feeling, twisted and dark, rears itself. She could have died; known oblivion, and in a weak, selfish moment she wanted to. Supergirl, dead in the back of an alley on a Thursday night. But she had refused, gathered her strength for her sister, and for all the others that die in silence.

“Yeah, until there isn’t,” Kara responds sadly, “as long as there is a yellow sun, I’ll be here to see it.”

“Hey,” Alex says, leaning forward to catch Kara’s gaze, “don’t think like that.”

Kara lets go of a shuddering breath and tries to blink away her tears, “Why? It’s the truth.”

She can feel her sister shift uncomfortably beside her, “Yeah, bu-..”

“But what? You don’t want to hear it?” Kara says with a cold bite, turning her head to look at Alex, “The reality is everyone I love will die and I will see it,” she can feel the tight feeling rise in her throat, “I will see it and wake up to it every day.”

Alex doesn’t say anything, and Kara isn’t sure if this is something her sister has considered. Or even if humans can consider anything beyond their own mortality. They are a footnote to a moment in history. It is inevitable, death, and they work towards it their entire lives. Kara is hyper aware that in this moment, her thinking is bitterly one tracked. Cold and alien, and it is the only way that she can come to terms with her existence on this planet; an existence that will never know an end. 

“I think about what it will look like in fifty or a hundred years,” Kara says, shifting her eyes back to the horizon, “how much will have changed. I think about what I will look like. I feel like if I were to look at myself then, so much of me will be gone.” 

Kara knows so much of her will be taken until her sharp edges are smoothed over, because her life will never be a series of moments; it will be seasons. They will fade, one into the other, and despite the warmth of the sun or the bitterness of winter, it will always be autumn for her. She will walk its cool edge like a blade. She isn’t sure how many sunrises she could take in an unfamiliar place where the people she loves wilt and die like autumn leaves.

_Forever_ is such an unpleasant fucking word.

And part of Kara knows that this upheaval has always been there, waiting patiently for the right time when all the little boxes that she has compartmentalized finally tip and she is left with its mess, alone.

The tipping point had been telling Lena, and everything else, well, _everything_ else just fell in line. 

The sky is bleeding into pink and red, and a soft glow of sunlight begins to creep over the horizon. Kara can feel the subtle vibrations under her skin; the goosebumps that prick up, and the warm surge that pushes and seeps down into her bones; an ever expanding light that grows from a flicker to a star.

“Earlier, you asked me about having a life of your own. And, uh-..I guess I thought that _this_ was what you wanted; using your powers to help,” Alex presses a finger to her temple thoughtfully before she continues, “no. I assumed that is what you wanted, and I know in the beginning I didn’t want you to, but then I relied so much on Supergirl and her strength. I just expected you to take that on. To bear whatever was put on you. For me. For everyone, I guess, and I never asked once you put on that suit if it was too much. When you saved me on that plane, your path was made.”

Kara doesn’t respond. Instead she looks down to her coffee cup and pulls her bottom lip between her teeth, “I had some say in that. I made that choice. I couldn’t lose you.” She says finally.

“Yeah, you did. And I am forever grateful for that. But I also made it so you had to take on that role as Supergirl,” Alex says with a remorseful catch in her voice, “it just became an expectation then, and not a choice for you.”

Kara can feel the tremble in her bottom lip and she looks back up towards the horizon, “No, it wasn’t. I feel like I've been a passenger to my entire life. I don’t want that anymore.”

Alex gives a sad nod, and angrily wipes at the tears rolling down her cheeks, “I can’t fix what I did,” she leans forward beside Kara and she can see the warm, yellow light across her sisters' features, “but I can be better now. You deserve to be happy. To have a real, full, happy life that is..” Alex shakes her head, like she is trying to loosen a distant echo from her thoughts, “rich and amazing. I’m sorry that I..-I’m sorry I kept that from you.”

Kara closes her eyes, “I’ve been so mad at you for so long,” she confesses quietly, “you made me feel so small. And I’m mad at myself for letting it happen. I’m mad that I don’t have any room for _me_ left over.”

When Kara opens her eyes, tears are running down her face and she looks at her sister. Her life has felt like an open wound for too long.

“No, no,” Alex reassures, “you’re the biggest person I know.”

“No, that’s Supergirl,” Kara brings her hands to chest, and covers the punctured muscle there threatening to turn to dust, “but Kara?” She can’t stop the sob that rips from the back of her throat, “I don’t know who that is.”

Alex tilts her head, her eyes blinking away tears, and Kara finally feels like she gets it; that maybe in all of this misery, Alex finally gets it. Her sister finally sees her and every amalgamation of her parts; Kara Danvers, Supergirl, and perhaps above all else, Kara Zor-El; that scared girl from her doorstep who has been forced to hide, lie, and manipulate everything around her so _she_ could assimilate to, protect, and save a world that wasn’t hers.

Kara runs the back hand across her cheek, trying to catch her tears, “I understand what J’onn meant when he said he felt that duality,” she pushes herself up from the pillows, and takes a few steps forward, “the feeling of who you are versus who you want to be.”

“And who is that?” Alex asks, tentatively.

“Someone answerable to their own rage.” Kara says quietly, keeping her eyes trained to the horizon as the sun rises higher, the cool air around her warming as her body is washed over in the golden ultraviolet. She looks down to her hands and the bruises on her knuckles begin to fade; bringing a finger to her lip she can feel the open wound begin to weave itself back together until all that is left is soft skin in its place. All the outwards signs of a broken body simply gone in the morning light while _this_ world and all its shrapnel she has collected continues to etch scars on the walls of her heart.

Alex is quiet as she stands and walks towards Kara. She doesn’t turn to face her sister, and it isn’t until Alex is beside her that Kara dares to glance in her direction, “You are my favorite person. You are the strongest person, most hopeful person I know. You inspire it in me and in others. Don’t ever forget that, okay?”

Kara gives a sad nod, and a weak laugh tumbles out of her mouth, “Then why do I feel so hopeless right now?” She turns her head, and studies her sister for a moment, “I’ve lost so many people; my family, people I couldn’t save. I lost my home. I lost my identity, my name. I barely have Kal. I wear my family's crest, but what does it matter?”

“People see that crest, and they know they are protected. That you and Kal will always be there when it seems the darkest to save them.” Alex counters.

“And who is saving me, Alex? No one in this _goddamn_ city needs to worry about who is saving them. I am there. Everyday.” She says sharply. Kara turns fully towards her sister, anger rising like a sickness in her throat, tightening and catching here, “I am so fucking embittered towards humanity; towards everything, and somehow, _somehow_ I possess all its shortcomings and it-..” Kara purses her lips together tightly, trying to reign in the anger threatening to pour out of her. When she steps forward, the gravel beneath her feet grinds to dust. Kara looks down and closes her eyes. A warm pulse begins to grow behind her lids. She swallows, and she can feel the anger in her chest take hold, spreading through her; molten in her veins, until that warm pulse is moving through her entire body, thrumming through her like a violent dance.

Kara can hear the muscle in her sisters throat tense and contract as she swallows hard, “What are you saying?”

“That maybe this _all_ isn’t worth the salt,” Kara gestures over the city, “that I’m tired. I’m angry. That I can count the number of people I’ve saved, remember their faces,” Kara lets go of a shuddering breath. She can’t begin to bring herself the knowledge of how many lives have been lost in her collateral damage or by the evil that seems to constantly permeate through National City, “I didn’t ask to be earth’s champion. I didn’t come here to protect it, and certainly not to be its savior.” 

And all that anger, every good moment she has forged in self deception, every broken part of Kara’s past that sat inside of her, white hot and dense, breathes life over her skin, licking away from her body in incandescent flares. Swirling, vibrant candescent oranges and yellows move from her feet, up her legs, sweeping up and over her body in hot waves, and when her feet leave the ground, she rises along with the yellow star to her back at the horizon. The gravel beneath where she stood is scorched, leaving behind two obsidian glass prints.

“I saw what I was capable of if this rage inside me was set free. I saw it in Kaznia; what is in me. I saw it on my own face. I saw myself die there, and-..” Kara tilts her head down, and studies her sister. She can see Alex’s wide, dark eyes reflecting back to her the chaos of her own rage incarnate, “I’m afraid of what I may do.”

“Kara, please.” Alex pleads, taking a step forward and reaching out. Kara briefly wonders if her sister would simply pluck her out of the sky; scorched and burning, threatening to collapse in on herself and all. Kara takes in a deep, steadying breath and begins her descent back to her sister and the roof below; the candescent aura fading and dissipating as her feet touch the ground. The anger that filled her body retreats, and for a moment bathed in the warmth of the sun, Kara feels still.

And when Alex wraps her up and pulls her close to her chest, Kara chases the feeling of safety that her sister provides. Emotion weighs down on her heart like an anchor, and Kara grips her sister tighter, grabbing fistfuls of her shirt, and pressing her face into Alex’s shoulder. Her tears run freely, and Kara isn’t sure how long they stand together, only that Alex quietly guides her back to the pile of pillows and wraps her in a blanket.

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Kara says quietly as she tugs the corners of the blanket, “I’m just so angry. I just-..” She glances up to her sister, and is met with a soft smile. Alex crouches down and presses a quick kiss to her forehead.

“It’s okay.” 

“I just hurt.” Kara confesses quietly, “and I don’t know what to do.”

“I know. And you can hurt. But I’m here now, so hurt with me, okay? When it’s too much, put it on me. I can take the worst. I’ve got you.” Alex says resolutely as she sits beside her. 

The city begins to wake, and the sun pulls higher into the cerulean sky. Kara lets herself find comfort along with its heartbeats; focusing until one, steady drumming is all she can hear. 

One that matches the rhythm with her own.

Alex shifts beside her, and Kara pushes into her sister's side as a strong arm wraps around her shoulders, “Be their hero, Kara. Be their monument, be their angel. Be anything they need you to be. Or be none of it. You don’t owe this world a thing. You never did.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things to consider: argo city does not exisit in this fic. krypton is dead. everyone is dead. kara is big sad. also, i like the DCU portyral of Kyrpton and Kal, so that is going to show up here and there in reference to Kara (like that closing line)
> 
> and as always, thank you for reading. sorry for the delay between chapters. ya know, pandemic, life, yadda yadda yadda


	5. Between the End and Where we Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara goes to therapy 2k21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some dialogue from the show thrown in here, and references to the first season. There is also references made in **Man of Steel** , but I've swapped out Kal for Kara

_“You should talk to him,” Alex said, tucking a pillow under her arm, “he would know better than anyone how you’re feeling.”_

_Kara sighed as she pushed her shoulder into the roof’s access door, “I don’t know,” she said as her sister passed, “I don’t want to dredge anything up for him.”_

_She was on the receiving end of a sharp look from Alex over her shoulder, “I don’t think J’onn would mind. Just...stop doing that. Don’t make excuses. J’onn has dealt with a lot, yeah, but I’m more than sure he has some wisdom to share.”_

_Kara followed her sister back into her loft and tossed the blankets and pillows on the couch before collapsing on top of them, “Maybe I should just have a chat with the DEO-appointed therapist,” Kara mumbled into the blankets, “what’s her name?”_

_“Oh god, don’t even joke like that. I had to talk to her once and I think I was worse off after.”_

_Kara knew the look that was on her sister’s face without having to raise her head; sour and twisted up in disgust. She blew an exasperated huff into the fabric. Alex was right, she did need to talk to someone and it had to be J’onn._

_“Fine,” Kara said, turning her head and narrowing her eyes at her sister._

_Alex smiled softly, and swung her arm around, bringing the pillow in her hand down on top of Kara’s head and then tossed it to the end of the couch, “Atta girl.”_

_She could hear Alex moving around the loft, picking up in her room, tossing takeout containers in the trash, and pulling open the blinds. Warm sunlight bathed across Kara’s back, and for a moment it felt like stepping out of the shadows._

_Tomorrow. She’d see J’onn tomorrow, but for now she wanted to stay here, curled up and warm. She barely registered the kiss Alex pressed into her hair or the soft ‘goodbye’ on her way out the door as Kara drifted into a weightless sleep, drowning in light._

  
  


xXxXx

  
  


J’onn extends his hand in invitation to the ceremonial pillow across from him as he kneels on his own. Kara shuffles off her shoes and kneels, folding her hands in her lap. She chews at her bottom lip and wrings her hands together, anxious energy coursing under her skin. The table between them is lined with candles, and the blinds have been pulled shut behind them.

“There is no need to be nervous.” J’onn assures her, and the warmth from his smile easily reaches to the corner of his eyes, easing Kara enough to pull in a steadying breath.

“Where do you want to start?” J’onn asks, folding his hands prayerfully in his lap.

“I-..” Kara clenches her jaw, and glances away, “Do you remember when I first started at the DEO? You told me that people were afraid of my cousin not because of his powers, but because of what he might do if he lost control?”

J’onn nods, “I remember you were going through a difficult time then; balancing your work at the DEO and at CatCo. Trying to find your autonomy outside of Kal.”

“And Astra.” Kara mumbles, looking down, suddenly interested in her hands, “I’ve been feeling that way again and... the world feels so big, and it still isn’t enough to...” Kara taps her hand against her chest, trying to encourage the words to fall out of her, or maybe in some attempt to protect her heart, “hold what this feeling is. I don’t know if I can reign it in. I’m..”

“Afraid of what you may do?” J’onn finishes, tilting his head with a sympathetic look

Kara pushes her tongue into the side of her cheek, and nods as hot tears begin to well up in her eyes. She remembers the terrified look on Alex’s face from the day before on the roof, and fire reflected back to Kara in her sister's eyes.

“If the world feels too big, then you need to make it small. Eliza and Jeramiah taught you that when you came here; how to focus your powers, how to control them.”

Kara shakes her head, wiping the back of her hand across her cheek, “I don’t feel in control. I don’t know if this rage can be controlled.” and then confess quietly, “I don’t know if I want it to be.”

Kara raises her head and finds dark, warm sympathetic eyes studying her, “I see.”

“Is this how it felt with Manchester?” Kara asks tentatively, and there is a flash of red that moves across J’onn features, rippling under his skin, and settling into his eyes, disappearing quickly as it comes.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t hav-..” Kara stutters, and J’onn waves off the comment.

“No, it’s fine. But yes, that is how it felt,” J’onn closes his eyes, and the space around them comes to life in an amber light with snapshots of a life lived, “Manchester awoke something in me that I hadn’t felt since I fled Mars. I could feel it in every part of him, that _heaviness_ from the grief he carried, and I knew how he wanted to make it end, because I wanted that for so long, too.” he finishes quietly, and opens his eyes, “Do you know why you are full of rage?” 

Kara shakes her head, unsure which ruins of her life to begin sifting through for the answer.

“Because you are full of grief,” J’onn says standing. 

“Are you going to be quoting Greek tragedians at me during this?” Kara quips as J’onn stands, and moves around the small table between them, kneeling beside her, smiling.

“Am I wrong?” He asks and raises his hand, just hovering out of reach; asking for permission and offering Kara an out in the same motion. “I can’t take it from you. It is a part of you, and at your core, part of what forged you. It is the reason you put on that suit, and it is the reason for every choice you have made.”

Kara glances up to J’onn and nods. She wants to understand this part of herself. She is tired of laying down broken, tangled up in the nets of her sorrow.

She needs to try.

“Happiness and misery, love and hate, they all exist in the same space;” J’onn whispers, placing a warm hand on her head, “only the comparison is one state with another, nothing more or less. We move through these simultaneously, experiencing every microcosm in between; sadness, anger, guilt. Existence and oblivion. Those who have felt the deepest grief, have navigated its trenches and weathered its storm are best able to experience life’s greatest happiness,” J’onn dips his head to Kara’s, resting gently against her temple, “you out of anyone are deserving of that.”

Kara pulls her bottom lips between her teeth, willing away the excuses perched on her tongue, because _Rao,_ she just wants that. She wants this weight gone; back to when she was clear eyed and just _so fucking_ free. When she believed the word she wore across her chest and had those first fledging roots of love take hold of her. When she would spend hours in the clouds not to hide, but to simply _be._

“Keep your eyes closed and listen to my voice. Everything will feel real, but none of it can harm you. You can move through your memories freely, interact with them, but you can’t change them. The past’s ink is dry.”

Kara threads her fingers together, holding on to herself, white knuckled and gives a final, “Okay.”

 _“_ Try to go back to your earliest memory, and we’ll work from there.” 

The warm glow from the candles fade as Kara closes her eyes, and she can sense the familiar ground of her terrestrial home beneath her feet; feel its wind through her hair and the warmth of its red sun. She can see the massive scouting ships docking on the coast, and the hordes of men that disembarked from them, weary and forlorn.

_“What is happening?”_

“I’m with my mother. She is explaining to me that a scouting mission had just returned, that they were gone for over a year and they may have found a new home for us. She tells me thousands of ships were sent out into the void, and that we had built outposts on other planets using great machines to reshape their environments to our needs.”

Kara can feel the warmth from her mothers hand as she cradles her smaller one in her own, and feel her presence when she kneels beside her. Emotion tightens in her throat when wisps of her mothers’ hair tickle against her face, “She is telling me that for hundreds of thousands of years our civilization flourished, accomplishing wonders.” Kara can feel the smile that tugs at the corners of her mouth, “I feel excited.” she confesses, a lift of giddiness in her voice, “I am going to have a new home and make new friends.`

_“What do you remember next?”_

Kara turns her head, trying to escape the intruding thought, but J’onn’s hand stays firmly in place 

_“Don’t run from it, Kara.”_

The acidic smell of sulfur overwhelms her senses, and the ground beneath her shifts and cracks, “I’m scared. I tell my father that I’m not, but I am. I am terrified. He is telling me that I need to go with Kal. That they will be with me in my dreams and I’ll do extraordinary things. I don’t want to leave, but I can’t tell them that. I have a purpose.”

_“What is the purpose?”_

The muscles in Kara’s jaw tense as she grinds down on her teeth, “To protect Kal. _Rao,_ he’s so small,” she chokes out, “he’s my family. I need to take care of him. I can’t fail.” 

Adrenaline courses through her body as Kara feels herself being hoisted into the escape pod by her mother. She braces herself against the cramped walls of the pod as she takes off. She watches out the window as her city crumbles, swallowed up into an ever expanding abyss as her world is torn apart. She watches great monoliths to her civilization fall and Krypton’s faults spilt angrily throughout the ground, revealing the pulsing green, dying core. She flies through plumes of smoke, and as quickly as she was home, she is gone, trailing the small ship in front of her.

“It’s quiet. So quiet that it’s loud,” Kara says through a shaky breath, “even when Krypton collapsed, even with the debris and..” she inhales sharply, “the bodies. They just floated by, frozen, still, and quiet. It wasn’t until I came to Earth, and saw how they portrayed it; loud and explosive. But it’s just...nothing. It doesn’t fill the expanse with anything, it just ripples out,” Kara says, raising a trembling hand, her fingers rising and falling in a delicate ebb and flow motion, “just wave after wave of coldness sending me away.”

Kara’s memory pulls, stretching out to nearly a pinpoint before returning. She is at the beach, wading apprehensively into the water as she tries to reach Alex, who is standing and waving from her over the break on a sand bank. It is her first trip with the Danvers, and she can sense Eliza’s watchful eyes on her. The warm waves break against her knees, and she is nearly to Alex when she disappears behind a wall of water; blurring her sister's silhouette behind it. When the wave breaks, it takes Kara under, pushing her down and upending her. The disorientation causes panic to erupt inside of her, and she reaches out, her small hands trying to brace against anything she can, but there is nothing, just the watery expanse above her and her lungs burning for breath. It isn’t until steady hands reach in and pull her up, gathering her into waiting arms, that Kara finds her anchor.

_“How long was I gone?” she coughs out panicked, raising a hand to shield her eyes from the sun. She expects to see Kal. She expects to see her family crest. She expects to see the silent chaos of the Phantom Zone winking and reflecting around her as her eyes struggled to stay open._

_But she sees Alex, her jaw set and dark focused eyes as she trudges through the water, cradling Kara close to her body. When they reach the shore, Alex gently returns Kara to the itch of sand and salt._

_“Just a few seconds. You got leveled by that wave.” Alex laughs, throwing a thumb over her shoulder, but Kara just focuses on the endless horizon just past her sister, swaying along with the current as lazy waves break against her legs._

_“Kara?” Alex asks cautiously, “hey, are you okay?”_

_Kara blinks, and she focuses on the young girl in front of her, “What?” she asks, dazed._

_“I said are you okay.”_

_“Just a few seconds?” Kara echoes, turning her head and staring down the coastline, trying to find if anything has changed. But families are still huddled under bright beach umbrellas and kids run freely through the water, splashing and laughing, bright and loud._

“What is important about this moment?” J’onn voice is closer now. Clearer, and Kara can feel herself peeling away from the memory, free of the panic from her younger self until she finds herself sitting on the beach.

“I thought I was gone again,” she says, her fingers digging into the warm sand beneath her, “or that I was still up there, drifting and suspended and dreaming. But Alex saved me. She protected me.”

Kara pushes herself up and stands on the shore, watching her younger self float effortlessly on her back with her sisters’ steadying hands supporting her just beneath the water, “She stayed in the shallows with me, and taught me to float, and how to feel the pull of the current. She showed me how to dive under the waves.”

A comforting hand rests on her shoulder, and Kara turns to J’onn. He tilts his head down the beach, “Come on.” he says and tucks his hands in his pockets as he begins walking, “You came to this planet to protect Kal. But in these formative years, that predetermined role was not one that you took on.”

Kara smiles at the memory in front of her before turning and jogging down the beach to catch up with J’onn.

“Predetermined?” she asks as she settles beside him, enjoying the warmth from the sun on her skin.

“For millennia, Kryptonians were conceived in genesis chambers. Every child was designed to perform a predetermined role in your society; a worker, a warrior, a leader and so on. Kal’s parents believed that Krypton lost something precious, the element of choice. Of chance. What if a child dreamed of becoming something other than what society had intended? What if a child aspired to something greater? Your cousin was the embodiment of that belief. He was Krypton’s first natural birth in centuries. That’s why they risked so much to save him.”

They walk beneath the pier, and J’onn leans against one of the pilings, “That is why they sent you.”

“That was my role? A protector?” Kara asks, the weight from the epiphany hitting her suddenly and J’onn gives a noncommittal shrug, “Who is to say? But when you came here that changed. You were also given that choice.”

The anger in her chest is quick to rise, “No, I wasn’t.” Kara retorts coldly, “My parents lied to me. They gave me a mission and sent me away.”

“To save your life.”

“No,” Kara says resolutely, turning to face J’onn, “to save Kal’s.”

J’onn ducks his head for a moment and nods, “Yes, but you didn’t. The Kents did. They protected him, nurtured him. And when you arrived, he ensured that for you.”

“Is that what you think?” Kara scoffs, and stalks forward until she is facing J’onn, “He abandoned me. He dropped me off on fucking doorstep, and left. _That_ was his choice.”

“Kal,” Kara taps her fingers against her leg, trying to temper down the fever in her veins, “he doesn’t know what it feels like to carry two worlds.”

“And which is heavier?” J’onn asks, and Kara can feel the muscles in her body tense, and _that_ heat from back on the roof begins to course under her skin.

“I don’t know,” she huffs, throwing up her hands, “both. All of it. Some days I can’t tell the difference.” Kara turns, and is facing the hologram deck in the DEO, staring up at the frozen, flickering image of her mother.

_“I’m sorry. I am not programmed to give you that information.”_

“She let everyone I love die and left me alone!” Kara can hear the ghost of her voice as she steps up onto the deck and studies the image, “I don’t know if I love her, or miss her, or hate her.”

“All of those things can be true,” J’onn says, walking around the deck, “they can all exist and are valid, but your parents’ legacy is not death and destruction, Kara. It’s you.”

“You left me!” The echo of her words, seeped in anger and pain rattle throughout the chamber, “You left me alone! You sent me away!”

She can feel the heat build behind her eyes, and Kara clenches her fists by her sides. The reverberations from her words grow louder as screams from her past and present tangle over one another, amplifying her rage, until that heat settles in her chest. It spreads out, weighing her down, dense in her bones and hot in blood. And that infinite abyss of rage, betrayal and grief grows brighter inside her; hot as the blue pulse behind her eyes, and lights the incandescent aura erupts from under her skin. Bright blue flames lick across the room, igniting the chamber walls until they glow white hot.

“Focus.” J’onn’s voice cuts through the fire, “Focus!”

“No! I want to know why!.” Kara screams, raw and angry and primal, like her cavern in her chest is being filled with the explosion of a supernova; retracting and expanding, blinding and chaotic

“You’re looking for answers from ghosts.” J’onn says, stepping through Alura’s image and fully into Kara’s view, “Now focus.” 

Kara slams her eyes shut and darkness consumes her, swallowing her up, until she can feel a familiar presence. She can hear her name, smooth and calm, and when she opens her eyes she is looking at J’onn.

“I’ve got you. You’re okay.” J’onn says, reassuring her with a gentle smile, and Kara relaxes, pushing herself back up onto her knees, and buries her head in her hands to catch her tears.

“That,” J’onn says quietly, “does not control you. You control it.”

Kara nods and sits up straighter, running the back of her hand beneath her nose, “Yeah,” she says through a deep breath, “okay.”

“A day may come when you will need to harness that rage, the same as I did with Manchester.”

“I can’t kill someone, J’onn.” Kara whispers.

“The day may come where you don’t have a choice.” J’onn says standing, and offering his hand to Kara, pulling her up, “That is why you are here. You give the people of Earth an ideal to strive towards. They will race behind you, and just like you, they will stumble, they will fall. But in time, they will join you in the sun, Kara. In time, you will help them accomplish wonders.”

“What if I can’t?” Kara asks, her words genuine and brushed with anguish. 

“You can. When I asked you which was heavier, you already knew the answer; it's the people's hearts. You can’t do anything for Krypton. It’s dead and gone, but you can here. You can do so much." J'onn says contemplatively, "Kal, he works in a silo, but you never have. You've always known that on this planet that unity and resilience is achieved together. And that in doing so, we are stronger for it."

Kara is quiet for a moment, the full weight of J’onn’s words settling on her shoulders. She kneels down again, staring at the still flame of the candle in front of her, and can feel that anxious love, that war torn, broken love constrict in her chest. She wonders vaguely if all the parts of her life would ever collect so she could know a stillness like that.

“What if it’s not all of them?” Kara says quietly, focusing until she can hear it, those billions of hearts beating in a thunderous drumline. She pulls her eyes away from the flame, and looks up to J’onn, "What if it's just one?"

“If it’s just one,” J’onn says, a smirk pulling at the corner of his mouth, “I suggest you fight for it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quotes used:
> 
>  _“Why does tragedy exist? Because you are full of rage. Why are you full of rage? Because you are full of grief.”_ \- Anne Carson, Grief Lessons: Four Plays by Euripides
> 
>  _"Tell me Atlas, which is heavier: The world or its peoples hearts?"_ \- **Darshana Suresh, Howling at the Moon**


End file.
